Rare Life

swirling dark cold waters.
I wasn't there, but they say you called out for help
before disappearing under.
I hate that story
I hate you for leaving me
On the other hand it is exciting
(you wild little man)
When I read the news
i screamed,
he held me in his arms
but he is not you.
I married him and your dead.
what the fu(k?!
And sometimes my soul hurts, right behind my eyes
and i know I will never be as a young as I was
back when you were alive.
and on the other hand
Perhaps Eris needed a lover who could please her
that divine slut of discord
oh Rastus
No more interacting reacting
would you please visit me in my dreams?
rub my legs
and hold my throat
please....

Going home. Just to vist. I feel good and bad about this.....

This is part of a letter I wrote my older brother.... It paints a good picture of my life today...

I am doing super good. I have a little team of Mexican boys on the bus with me now and we are having a grand ol time. Their is Ko-kol, who used to drive trailers, so is super helpful with all thing bus related. He is also a amazing artist. Gohan is a clown and is teaching us all to juggle and ride the unicycle (Alex has already learned both, I am doing good with the mono cycle, but don't think Ill ever juggle) Gohan was poisoned from putting fuel in his mouth, to do fire breathing. Now he is very sensitive to all toxins, so he reminds us to keeps life on the bus natural. Julian is a Dj and computer guy. He sets up the sound systems and makes the web sites and stuff like that. and there is Me Alex pixi and our new dog Gunesh. We put together a little circus and are making decent money doing street performance. I am a clown and I hula-hoop and get our HUGE great dane to jump threw the hoop. It is day of the dead time, So right now we are a dead circus. Its very cute. We also threw our first festival. It want really well. It was a week long and everyday we had a workshop during the day cooked two vegetarian meals. We gave out information on sexual health, vegetarianism and global warming. at night we showed movies and after there was music and partying. I am super stoked on the whole thing.

The party was very very good....

Fuck. The drive was wild. Yelling, beer, black smoke. Sometimes the anger gets the best of me or something. There is a daily misunderstanding that hurts in my fingers. Its just, sorry to whine but, I don't speak so well and, and, I don't want to be told what to do anymore. and I could just use a girl friend sometimes. Drunk boys are hard for me to appreciate. We lost the BIG dog, and I cried, but then we found him. Cerventino is crowded. My period came with the new moon and like the night sky I found myself in darkness. I tried my best to smile, but in the end I pushed them off with my hands and sobbed in my bed. I couldn't handle their aggression, It made me feel as if I had no space.. I wish I had a lovely cool cave, with green moss and outside a golden warm sunshine field. a little shallow stream with almost warm water. I would lye here for the first few days of my moon. Alex would bring me food and rub my feet. I would read books, smoke good weed, paint and think about what my darkness had to show me. Anyways.... We parked the bus and worked in the city. Overall cerventino was fun. Now we are off to "the gathering". Its a little party that we organized. Here is the flyer. Its on the land of this super nice boy we met. The place is just beautiful, and we get to set the vibe, so I am rather sure it will be a good time.

The last Night in Toluca was good. Alexs mother came and blessed our bus in some sort of catholic way. Although its a religion that never resonated with me, I feel the blessing of a crying mother, in a faith she believes in is a powerful thing. We are taking a bunch of people with us to cerventino. It should be crazy.

Tomorrow we are supposed to leave Toluca..... more on this situation soon...
Wow. Ok so tomorrow in the morning we are set to leave for Guanajuato. Alex is driving. We got a valve job done a few days ago and fixed the breaks today. When I woke up this morning I decide to wear my blue jump suit. I haven't worn it a long time. I put on a little hot pink lacy tank top under it and matched it with a pair of rainbow gloves. Sweet. Then when we were driving a friend home Alex said that we had to go fix the breaks, because the parking break wasn't working at all. I ended up under the bus learning how to adjust the breaks and put in a new, matraca, who knows the word in English?, Any ways I was totally stoked that I had my jump suit on. It was perfect. The whole thing coast 400 pesos, a good deal. I know someday we will put that new engine in. And we will run the bus off grease. One day we will have the money...... I think the best thing to do now is give thanks.
I am grateful for my mindbodyspirt. It caries me around and it is the instrument that defines my existence. It creates my reality and is the most beautiful thing I have. I am grateful for the bus. Its so beautiful. In it I make art, cook my meals, do pushups, make love with my sweet friend. I sleep and dream in my soft bed in the back. I read books in the windows when the sun shines, and sometimes at night with my wind up flashlight. This bus is my home. I am grateful. I am grateful for food and flowers. I am grateful for water. My interaction with water and its magic give me so much joy and peace. Sweet, wet, clear, feminine. Every river, stream, lake, pound, rain drop and sea, every puddle reflect into my own blue eyes the powerful love of la diosa de las aguas. I am grateful to my root relationships. my mom for everything, Alex for being a partner, Sarah for the friendship, Jeremy for all the life lessons. The animals I know. I am so grateful to all the beautiful girls and women who enrich my experience, Amy, Rose, Mallory, Heather, just to name a few. I am so grateful to every boy I ever loved. Even the ones who hurt me. My bike, The basil plant. books. Breathing.
I am grateful for good memories and to the imagination and my dreams.

We went to DF Tuesday. We paid for bus tickets, which is rare. DF is fucking beautiful gross. The reason for our journey was to get Alex a license and to buy. The drivers license was acquired in the back of a "Gigante" chain, crap, everything store. The Mexican Kmart. While we waited for his number to be called, I looked at the sexy, skinny, fashion dolls for little girls. Why did their eyes get bigger? I loved Barbie when I was a kid, but in retrospect I don't think she had my best interests in mind... When his number was up Alex paid 450 pesos and smiled for the camera. There was no test of his driving ability or anything. Just wait you turn, pay up and you are "allowed" to drive. In celebration we split a comida, 32 pesos. A little pricy, but it was good. Comida translates to food, but it also means a meal with soup, rice or noodles, beans, auga fresca (water sugar and fresh fruit juice mixed together, think lemon aid) and a guisada(main course). The guisada was little fried potato thingies that cant be healthy, but I am particularly fond of, with salad. One comida is enough food for the 2 of us.
We went to a huge art market near the zocalo to buy We bought jade and fossils we bought all sorts of shiny beads. Be bought henna and hemp. We bought earrings, incense, and sliver. We forgot the amber. All of México comes here to buy. And we are no different. the things we bought here will be made into the art we sell. this will feed us for the next 6 months. Listen, the Metro is the best. The place is a museum. If you ever visit Mexico City, ride the subway, its a little confusing, but its worth it. Its full of art and its very fucking alive. There are huge murals explaining the history of the world oldest city, there are beggars with no legs, there are displays on women's rights, and children huffing paint thinner. The walls are pasted with advertisements of happy cows who provide us with milk, sexy, more than half naked, girls that will love you if you buy this watch, and sweet puppies that just love their puppy chow.(never mind the dead dogs that litter the streets of the city above) there is wonderful graffiti, there are venders selling everything you ever needed, their are real Aztec ruins. Right there in the piss smelling subway there is a place were the ceiling opens to the sky and the floor opens to earth, behind a rail, surrounded by grass and wild flowers, is a old Aztec temple. I don't know what's happening to this world, but the life found in the metro of DF fills me up and makes me grateful I have eyes to see with.
They were separating the men from the women. Not for the train we were getting on, but the one going the opposite direction. Alex says Mexico city is the only place they do that. Its weird, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I was told its done when the subways are crowded for the safety of the girls. Boy children go with their mothers on the women's side. Girls can go with their boyfriends on the man side, if they want. I guess its nice if your a single women. What's the message though? I hear "Boys are dangerous and the girls need to be protected" or something like that. I hope someday humans get over the whole issue with what parts we have between our legs... I hope the children of tomorrow will have an easier time with gender than me and my peers.....
Outside of the bus station we bought a milkshake with pecans, bananas, and chocolate which we ate with little, not so sweet, cookies.So much for the veganism I used to enjoy. On the bus the driver caught us smoking pot. I thought he was mad at us, but apparently not too much because he gave us a ride all the way to Toluca even though we only paid for tickets half way. The guy sitting in the seat behind us was smoking crack, but the driver didn't catch him.